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UC-NRLF 


SB    E7S 


ID 


H8H1BBHH 


GIFT  OF 


V 


"SWAT  THE  FLY! 

A  ONE-ACT  FANTASY 


By 
ELEANOR  GATES 


SEVEN,"  "THE  BIOGRAPHY  OF  A  PRAIRIE 
GIRL,"  "THE  PLOW- WOMAN,"  ETC. 

COLORED  JACKET  BY  EVERETT  SHINN 


THE  ARROW  PURLISHING  COMPANY 

116  WEST  FIFTY-NINTH  STREET 
NEW  YORK 


Copyrighted  April  17t  1914,  as  a  dramatic  composition  by 
ELEANOR  GATES. 

Copyrighted  April,  1916,  by 
THE  ARROW  PUBLISHING  COMPANY. 

All  rights  reserved,  including  that  of  translation  into  foreign  languages, 
including  the  Scandinavian. 

This  play  may  be  publicly  read  without  further  permission, 
but  the  acting  rights  are  reserved  by  the  author. 


TO 
THE  TROOPER 


313135 


THE  PERSONS  OF  THE  PLAY 

THE  DOCTOR 

THE  WOMAN  INSPECTOR 

THE  BQY 

THE  DOG 

THE  CAT 

THE  HORSE 

THE  MONKEY 

THE  RABBIT 

THE  FLY 


"SWAT   THE   FLY! 


99 


A  garden  in  the  rear  of  a  laboratory  for  animal  experimentation. 
A  high  red-brick  wall  encloses  the  garden,  into  which,  at  the  upper 
right-hand  corner,  juts  the  granite  laboratory  building.  The  interior 
of  the  laboratory  is  brilliantly  white.  From  it  a  door  opens  upon 
the  garden.  Beside  the  door,  hanging  from  a  wrought-iron  bracket, 
is  a  globe  in  which  are  electric  bulbs.  The  lights  are  turned  on  by 
pressing  a  button  in  the  framework  of  the  door. 

In  the  garden  wall,  at  left,  is  a  wide  door  leading  to  a  city  street. 
In  the  rear  wall  is  a  square,  window-like  opening  through  which 
can  be  seen  the  Horse's  standing-stall.  The  Monkey's  house  is  in 
the  lower  right-hand  corner  of  the  garden.  Directly  across  from  it 
is  the  kennel  of  the  Dog.  The  Rabbifs  hutch  is  placed  against  the 
rear  wall,  close  to  the  square  opening.  The  front  of  the  hutch  is 
screened  with  wire  netting. 

The  garden  is  covered  by  a  lawn.  Flowers  grow  against  its  walls, 
as  well  as  in  the  corners  made  by  the  meeting  of  wall  and  building. 
Vines  climb  the  bricks  on  either  side  of  the  street  door.  Above  the 
walls,  on  every  side,  bend  the  branches  of  trees.  At  the  center  of  the 
garden  is  a  low  stone  bench. 

It  is  late  evening.  The  garden  is  only  star-lit.  Out  of  the  gloom 
come  the  sleepy  bark  of  the  Dog,  the  crunching  and  stamping  of 
the  Horse,  as  he  feeds,  and  the  cross  chatter  of  the  Monkey.  The 
tiny  bell,  which  the  Cat  wears  on  her  collar,  tinkles  faintly. 

Suddenly  the  street  door  opens,  and  the  flash  of  a  pocket  search- 
light is  turned  upon  the  garden.  The  Woman  Inspector  appears 


6  "SWAT  THE  FLY!" 

in  the  doorway.  She  wears  a  coat-suit,  a  neckpiece  formed  of  the 
skin  of  a  fox,  and  a  hat  trimmed  with  pheasant  feathers.  She 
throws  her  light  upon  the  Monkey' s  house:  upon  the  door  of  the 
laboratory:  upon  the  opening  in  the  rear  wall.  The  back  of  the 
Horse  appears  above  the  sill  of  the  opening.  The  light  travels  to 
the  Rabbifs  hutch,  disclosing  a  mound  of  snow-white  fur. 

The  Inspector  enters  quickly  and  goes  to  the  Dog,  who  is  lying 
down,  his  back  curved  against  the  entrance  to  the  kennel.  The 
Inspector  turns  her  light  upon  him.  He  moves. 


INSPECTOR 

(Leans  to  peer  into  the  kennel.) 

Here  !  Let  me  look  at  you.  A  bandage  !  Oh,  poor  fellow  ! 
That  Doctor's  been  torturing  you  !  (The  Dog  growls.)  There  ! 
There  !  (Pats  the  Dog,  and  goes  to  the  hutch.)  A  rabbit ! 
(Makes  a  brief  examination;  goes  to  the  opening  in  the  wall  and 
looks  through  at  the  Horse,  flashing  her  light  over  him.  Comes 
down  quickly  to  the  Monkey.  He  is  lying  just  within  the  door  of 
his  house.  She  drops  on  one  knee.)  Well,  monkey  !  What's 
that  Doctor  been  doing  to  YOU  ?  (Reaches  in.)  Been  putting 
a  steel  gag  on  you?  Oh,  the  poor  foot !  (Soothingly,  as  the 
Monkey  moves  and  chatters.)  There,  now  !  Lie  still ! 

DOCTOR 

(Calls  from  the  laboratory.) 

Here,  Kitty  !  Kitty  !  Kitty  ! 

(The  Inspector  puts  out  her  pocket-flash,  springs  up, 
and  hides  behind  the  Monkey's  house.  The  Doctor 
enters,  and  presses  the  electric  button  beside  the  labora- 
tory door.  The  globe  floods  the  garden  with  light.  The 
Doctor  wears  a  sack  suit,  but  no  hat.) 


4 SWAT  THE  FLY!" 


DOCTOR 

Here,  Kitty  !  Kitty  !  Kitty  !  (Looks  about  the  garden.)  Well, 
how's  everybody  ?  (Goes  to  the  opening  in  the  wall,  and  reaches 
to  pat  the  Horse.)  Hello  !  How's  the  nice  old  boy?  (Turns 
toward  the  hutch.)  And  how's  little  Bunny  !  Eh  ? 

(The  Boy  enters  from  the  street.  He  is  wearing 
pajamas.  In  his  right  hand,  wrapped  in  paper,  he 
carries  a  bone.  In  the  circle  of  his  left  arm  he  has  a 
banana,  which  he  holds  against  him;  in  his  left  hand 
are  an  apple  and  a  carrot.  He  sees  the  Doctor  and 
halts  timidly.  The  Doctor  turns  from  the  hutch  and 
sees  the  boy.) 

DOCTOR 
Good  evening,  young  man  !     Where  did  YOU  come  from  ? 

BOY 

I  came  from  my  bed.  (Backs  a  step  and  puts  the  bone  behind 
him.) 

DOCTOR 

And  what  are  you  doing  out  of  your  bed  ? 

ROY 

I'm  feeding  your  animals.  (Holds  out  his  right  hand  to  show 
the  bone.) 

DOCTOR 
Feeding  my  animals  !     Why  -      -  ! 

ROY 

My  mother  says  you  starve  'em.  So,  —  here's  a  bone  for  the 
dog,  an'  a  carrot  for  the  rabbit,  an'  a'  apple  for  the  horse,  an'  a 
banana  for  the  monkey. 


8 "SWAT  THE  FLY!" 

DOCTOR 
(Laughs  and  accepts  the  bone.) 

All  right.  (Goes  to  the  kennel,  the  Boy  following,  and  looks  in.) 
Hey,  dog !  Just  gnaw  on  this  fine  big  bone.  (To  the  boy.)  And 
how  did  you  find  your  way  here,  at  this  time  of  night  ? 

BOY 
I  followed  my  mother. 

DOCTOR 

Why,  your  mother  isn't  here  ! 

BOY 

Oh,  yes,  she  is.     Somewhere.     (Looks  behind  the  kennel)     I 
saw  her  come  in.    Oh,  Mother  !     (Looks  behind  the  Monkey's 
house.)    Hello,  mother  !     (To  the  Doctor.)     Here  she  is  ! 
(The  Inspector  stands  up.) 

DOCTOR 
Madam,  what  are  you  doing  in  this  garden  ? 

INSPECTOR 
Examining  these  animals. 

DOCTOR 
Why  should  you  sneak  and  hide  ? 

(The  Boy  goes  to  his  mother.) 

INSPECTOR 

Let  me  introduce  myself.  (Opens  her  coat,  displaying  a  metal 
badge  pinned  on  her  breast.) 

DOCTOR 
So  you're  a  spy  1 

INSPECTOR 
I'm  an  inspector  ! 

DOCTOR 
I've  seen  you  before. 


1  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 


INSPECTOR 
I've  been  keeping  an  eye  on  you. 

DOCTOR 
Well,  go  ahead  !    What  is  it  you  want  to  know  ? 

INSPECTOR 
I  want  to  know  what  you  do  to  these  poor,  dumb  creatures. 

DOCTOR 
I  use  them  to  fight  the  diseases  carried  by  flies. 

INSPECTOR 

(Sneeringly.) 

Oh,  you  vivisectionists  have  a  FINE  excuse  for  your  cruelty  ! 
Flies! 

DOCTOR 

Yes,  flies  !  When  all  the  flies  are  dead,  we  doctors  will  be  out 
of  a  job.  For  now  we  know  that — 

INSPECTOR 
Please  come  back  to  the  animals. 

DOCTOR 

(Shrugs,  crosses  to  the  Monkey.) 

Well,  this  monkey  here  is  —  (The  Monkey  chatters  angrily. 
The  Doctor  falls  back,  motioning  the  Inspector  and  the  Boy  to 
retreat.)  Look  out !  He's  bad-tempered  ! 

INSPECTOR 

Ah  !  You  needn't  tell  me  how  you  treat  HIM  !  (The  Doctor 
turns  away.)  And  what  about  that  helpless  rabbit? 


10 "  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 

DOCTOR 
(Goes  to  the  hutch.) 

The  rabbit  furnishes  me  with  typhoid  serum.  And  the  neck  of 
my  horse  is  full  of  the  serum  that  cures  diphtheria.  See  ! 
(Takes  a  small  case  from  a  pocket.)  I'll  take  some  serum — 
just  to  show  you.  (Leans  through  the  opening.)  Here,  back  ! 
Back  up  !  Whoa,  now  ! 

INSPECTOR 

Oh,  don't !  I  can't  bear  it !  Don't !  (The  Horse  stamps. 
She  covers  her  eyes.)  Don't,  I  say  !  Oh,  I'll  have  you  arrested 
for  this  ! 

DOCTOR 
There  !     (Turns.)     You  see  what  THAT  amounts  to. 

INSPECTOR 
(Faces  him.) 
Oh,  don't  try  to  fool  me  !     You  hurt  him  ! 

DOCTOR 
Not  more  than  the  flick  of  a  whip.     (Puts  the  case  away.) 

INSPECTOR 

(Triumphantly.) 

There  you  are  !  The  flick  of  a  whip  !  What  do  you  doctors 
care  about  the  agony  of  your  poor  victims  ! 

DOCTOR 
I  don't  cause  pain  unless  it's  necessary. 

INSPECTOR 

Necessary  !  You  shouldn't  be  allowed  to  cause  an  animal 
ANY  pain  ! 

DOCTOR 

Oh  !  Then,  of  course,  you're  a  vegetarian. 


"SWAT  THE  FLY!" 11 

INSPECTOR 
I  am  not ! 

DOCTOR 

Well,  I  AM  !  You  talk  about  pain  !  Do  you  know  how  lambs 
are  killed?  And  cattle?  Do  you  know  anything  about 
slaughtering  hogs  ?  THERE'S  pain  for  you  ! 

INSPECTOR 
We  must  have  meat  ! 

BOY 

(Proudly.) 

And  my  father's  going  to  bring  us  some  venison. 

DOCTOR 
Your  father  ? 

BOY 

He's  gone  to  the  mountains — to  hunt  and  fish.  (Leans  against 
his  mother.) 

INSPECTOR 
(To  the  Boy.) 
Hush! 

DOCTOR 
(Triumphantly.) 
Ha  !    Hunt  and  fish  ! 

INSPECTOR 
Yes,  hunt  and  fish.     Why  not  ? 

DOCTOR 

(Sarcastically.) 

My  dear  lady,  I  see  that  you  really  ARE  interested  in  animals. 


SWAT  THE  FLY!" 


INSPECTOR 

(Angrily.) 

Oh,  I  know  what  you  mean  !  But  let  me  tell  you  something: 
When  my  husband  hunts,  he  gives  an  animal  a  chance  for  its 
life.  And  if  he  kills,  he  kills  quick.  But  you  —  you  mutilate 
in  the  name  of  science.  You  tie  down  your  victims  —  and 
torture  ! 

DOCTOR 

I  use  ether  and  chloroform.  But  your  husband  —  when  he  pulls 
a  trout  from  the  stream,  it  dies  of  suffocation. 

INSPECTOR 
(To  the  Boy,  irritably.) 
Don't  lean  against  me  like  that  1 

DOCTOR 

And  when  your  husband  goes  shooting,  he  doesn't  find  every 
bird  that  he  wounds. 

INSPECTOR 
He  finds  as  many  as  he  can. 

DOCTOR 

Ha  I  As  many  as  he  can  !  But  the  ones  he  DOESN'T  find  ! 
Are  they  chloroformed?  And  what  about  the  animals  that 
die  in  traps?  And  the  birds  that  are  snared?  (He  points 
at  the  Inspector.)  How  about  that  fox?  That  pheasant? 

INSPECTOR 
You're  insulting  ! 


"  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  "  is 

DOCTOR 

Madam,  you're  a  fine  Inspector  !  Here  you  stand,  admitting 
that  your  husband  kills  for  pleasure  !  And  you're  tricked  out 
in  the  skin  and  the  feathers  of  dumb  creatures.  Look  at  that 
poor  head  !  Those  little  paws  !  And  yet  you  spy  on  a  man 
who  causes  suffering  only  to  save  human  life  ! 

(The   Boy   coughs,    and   leans   heavily   against   his 
mother.) 

INSPECTOR 

Save  human  life  !  With  your  nasty  serums,  you  mean?  Oh, 
what  nonsense  1 

DOCTOR 
Madam,  go  home.    And  take  care  of  your  boy  ! 

INSPECTOR 
You  needn't  worry  about  my  boy.     (She  draws  the  Boy  to  her.) 

DOCTOR 
But,  see  !    His  cheeks  !    He's  got  fever. 

INSPECTOR 
(To  the  Boy.) 
Do  you  feel  sick,  dear  ? 

DOCTOR 
Let  ME  have  a  look  at  him.     (Starts  forward.) 

INSPECTOR 

(Puts  out  hand  to  check  the  doctor.) 

No  I  Your  hands  are  stained  with  the  blood  of  the  innocent ! 
Don't  you  dare  to  touch  him  !  (She  takes  the  Boy  up  in  her 
arms.)  I  wouldn't  let  you  treat  a  dog  of  mine  !  (Crosses  to 
the  street  door  and  halts  to  look  back.)  You  fiend  !  (Goes  out.) 


14 "  SWAT  THE  FLY  I " 

DOCTOR 

Oh,  all  right !  (Follows  the  Inspector  to  the  door,  slams  it,  turns 
toward  the  laboratory.)  But  the  poor  little  chap  ought  to  be 
home  in  bed.  (Strikes  at  the  Fly.)  Oh,  you  pest !  (Looks  up 
at  the  top  of  the  wall,  to  where  the  Fly  has  gone,  turns,  touches  the 
electric  button,  putting  the  garden  again  in  darkness,  and  closes 
the  laboratory  door  after  him.) 

DOG 

(Howls  mournfully.) 
Woo  —  oo  —  oo  —  oo  I     (Pause.)    Woo  —  oo  —  oo  ! 

(The  Cat  meows  as  if  frightened.  The  Monkey 
chatters  angrily.  The  Horse  snorts.  The  globe 
again  lights  the  garden,  and  the  Monkey  is  standing 
with  one  fore-paw  on  the  electric  button.  The  other 
paw  is  bandaged.  The  Dog  is  outside  his  kennel.  He, 
too,  wears  a  bandage — about  his  head.  It  gives  him 
a  rakish  expression.  The  Rabbit  is  sitting  in  front 
of  her  hutch.  She  moves  her  ears  nervously.) 

DOG 

(Howls.) 

Woo  —  oo  —  oo  —  oo  ! 

(The  Cat  appears  from  behind  the  Monkey's  house. 
She  wears  a  gay  collar  to  which  is  attached  a  small 
bell.) 

CAT 

(Anxiously.) 
Dog  !    Are  you  sick  ? 

(The  Monkey  comes  down  to  observe  the  Dog.) 

DOG 
No.  Cat,  no  !     (Howls.)    Woo  —  oo  —  oo! 


"  SWAT  THE  FLY  1  " 15 

MONKEY 

(Crossly.) 
Well,  if  you're  not  sick,  what're  you  howling  about  ? 

DOG 

Oh,  somebody's  going  to  die.     Woo  —  oo  —  oo  —  oo  I 

(The  animals  are  greatly  excited.  The  Rabbit  and 
the  Cat  join  the  Monkey,  while  the  Horse  snorts  and 
stamps.) 

RABBIT 
Oh,  Dog,  is  it  I  ? 

HORSE 

(Puts  his  head  in  at  the  square  opening.) 
Or  I? 

GAT 
Oh,  I'm  scared  !     (Puts  her  paws  to  her  eyes.) 

DOG 
Don't  worry,  Gat.     It's  not  one  of  us  ! 

MONKEY 

Not?    Then   cut   out   that   howling!    Y'    know,    I'VE   got 
NERVES. 

HORSE 
Is  it  the  Doctor? 

(The  Dog  shakes  his  head.) 

MONKEY 
No  such  luck  ! 

HORSE 
Is  it  the  Inspector  ? 


16 "SWAT  THE  FLY!" 

RABBIT 
And  she  defended  us  !     Oh  !     Oh  ! 

MONKEY 
(To  the  Rabbit.) 
Blame  that  Doctor  !    It's  HIS  fault ! 

DOG 
Rabbit,  it's  not  the  Inspector. 

GAT 
Then  it's  the  Boy  ! 

ALL 

Is  it?    Tell  us!    Oh,  Dog  I 

DOG 
I'm  afraid  it's  the  Boy.    Woo  —  oo  —  oo  —  oo  ! 

GAT 
The  Boy  ?    Meow  !    Meow  ! 

MONKEY 
(To  the  Cat.) 

Oh,  shut  up  !    Here  I  am,  that  Boy's  own  cousin,  as  you  might 
say,  and  I'M  not  crying  ! 

RABBIT 

What's  the  matter  with  the  Boy  ? 

GAT  and  HORSE 

(Together.) 

Yes!    Yes!    What? 

MONKEY 

Wasn't  the  Boy  just  here  ?    I  tell  you,  it's  that  DOCTOR  I 


"  SWAT  THE  FLY  ! "  17 

DOG 
Oh,  poor  little  Boy  !     Oh,  his  throat.     Woo  —  oo  —  oo  ! 

HORSE 
Throat!    Oh!    Dear!    Dear! 

MONKEY 

Ah-ha!      (To   the    Horse.)     Didn't   that   Doctor   give   YOU 
something,  in  YOUR  throat  ? 

ALL 
That's  so  !     Yes  !     He  did  ! 

MONKEY 
That's  your  proof !     (Sits  on  the  stone  bench.) 

CAT 
Then  it's  true  ? 

MONKEY 
As  true  as  there's  milk  in  cocoanuts. 

RABBIT 
Oh!    Oh! 

HORSE 
Well,  I'm  only  a  horse  ! 

DOG 
But  the  Boy  is  almost  a  man. 

MONKEY 

Ya-a-ah  !    Look  at  how  that  Doctor  treats  ME  I    And  I'M 
almost  a  man. 

ALL 
Yes.     A  man.    Almost.     You  are. 


18 "  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 

MONKEY 

(Rises  proudly.) 

Indeed,  I  am  !  I  even  THINK  like  a  man.  (The  animals 
agree  by  nods.)  And  I  ought  to  live  in  the  house  with  the 
family.  But  does  that  Doctor  want  me  ?  Oh,  I  hate  him  1 
(Chatters  angrily.) 

RABBIT 

And  /  hate  him  !    (Moves  her  ears.) 

MONKEY 

My  friends,  this  Doctor  is  the  cause  of  ALL  our  troubles.  I 
wish  HE  were  going  to  die.  (Animals  are  shocked.)  Yes  ! 
And  for  half  a  banana  I'd  kill  him  ! 

ALL 
Kill  him!    Oh! 

MONKEY 
Yes,  kill  him,  and  set  you  all  free.     (Takes  proud  attitude.) 

ALL 

Free?  Free?  Gould  you?  (The  Horse  whinnies,  the  Cat 
plays,  the  Dog  barks,  the  Rabbit  moves  her  ears.) 

MONKEY 
Could  I  ?    Rather  !     (Struts  to  and  fro.) 

RABBIT 
But  HOW  could  you  kill  him? 

MONKEY 

How?    Easy  enough  !     (To  the  others.)    Now,  HOW  shall  - 
er  — WE  kill  him? 


"  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 19 

HORSE 
I  suppose  I  could  kick  him. 

DOG 
And  I  could  bite  him.     Like  that  I 

GAT 
I  could  scratch  his  eyes  out.     Pst !     Pst ! 

MONKEY 
(Proudly.) 

I  could  fight  him  man  to  man  !  Come,  friends  !  (He  motions 
the  Rabbit,  the  Cat  and  the  Dog  to  him.)  We'll  bite  him,  we'll 
kick  him,  we'll  scratch  him,  we'll  kill  him  together. 

ALL 
Yes!    Yes!    We'll  kill  him  ! 

FLY 

(Appears  on  the  wall  above  the  Horse.) 
Buzz-z-z-z-z-z  ! 

(Animals  look  up.     The  eyes  of  the  Fly  glow  red.) 
Buzz-z-z-z-z-z  ! 

ALL 
The  Fly  !    The  Fly  !    The  Fly  !     (They  go  toward  him.) 

FLY 

Hey,  all  of  you  !  Wait  a  minute  !  If  you're  going  to  kill  that 
Doctor,  /  want  to  help  ! 

ALL 
Come  down  I    Yes  !    Help  ! 

(The  Fly  descends  the  wall,'  buzzing  loudly.     The 

others  conduct  him  forward.) 


20 "  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 

FLY 

Ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  was  fast  asleep  up  there,  out  of  the  way 
of  the  spiders,  when  all  of  a  sudden  I  was  awakened  by  the 
music  of  your  voices.  And  I  heard  your  delicious  scheme. 
Oh,  I  yearn  to  be  a  part  of  it !  For  I  hate  that  Doctor,  too  ! 

ALL 

(Surprised.) 
You?     Why?     Why? 

FLY 

Why  ?  Saucers  of  poisoned  sugar-water,  THAT'S  why ! 
Reams  of  sticky  tangle-foot,  that's  why  !  And  did  you  hear 
what  he  said  to  your  friend,  the  Inspector  ?  And  did  you  see 
him  SWAT  at  me  as  he  went  out  ? 

ALL 

(Sympathetically.) 
Yes  !    Yes  !    Meow  !    Bow-wow  !    Ee-ee-ee! 

FLY 

Yes  !  This  same  Doctor  who  tortures  you  !  Look  at  poor 
Horse  —  full  of  diphtheria  ! 

HORSE 
Well,  of  course,  it  doesn't  hurt  I 

FLY 

If  it  hurt,  he'd  do  it  just  the  same.  (To  the  Monkey.)  And 
think  how  he  treats  you — you  ought  to  be  a  member  of  his 
household. 

MONKEY 
People  are  NEVER  kind  to  their  poor  relations. 


"  SWAT  THE  FLY  I  " 


FLY 

(To  the  Dog.) 

And,  oh,  what  he  hasn't  done  to  YOU  !  (The  Dog  growls. 
To  the  Rabbit.)  And  you're  full  of  typhoid.  (The  Rabbit  gives 
a  little  scream.  To  the  Cat.)  And  you'll  be  the  NEXT  ! 

GAT 
Meow  !  1 

FLY 

And  so  he  must  die  !  (To  the  Horse.)  But  if  you  kick  him,  his 
friends  will  shoot  you.  (To  the  Dog.)  If  you  bite  him,  they'll 
think  you're  mad  I  (To  the  Cat.)  If  you  scratch  him,  they'll 
wring  your  neck.  So  you'd  better  let  ME  kill  him  I 

ALL 
YOU  ? 

FLY 

And  nobody  will  ever  know  !  Buzz-z-z  !  Buzz-z-z-z-z  !  (His 
eyes  glow  red.) 

MONKEY 
(Contemptuously.) 

How  can  a  mere  fly  kill  a  man  ? 

ALL 
Oh,  he  can't  !    Impossible  !    No. 

MONKEY 
A  common  fly,  too.     A  common  house  fly. 

FLY 

So  you  doubt  it,  do  you?  (Proudly.)  My  friends,  it  is  /  who 
am  killing  that  Boy  1 


"SWAT  THE  FLY!" 


You?    Oh!    The  Boy! 
Yes,  I ! 

(Hotels.) 

Woo  —  oo  —  oo  —  oo  ! 


ALL 
FLY 
DOG 

FLY 


The  other  day,  when  he  was  having  his  breakfast,  I  lit  on  the 
edge  of  his  glass  of  milk.  (Darkly.)  And  I  wiped  my  foot ! 
(Making  a  wiping  motion  with  his  right  front  foot.) 


Your  FOOT? 


ALL 


FLY 


But  what's  one  boy  !  Huh  !  With  the  help  of  my  thousand 
children,  I  could  wipe  out  this  whole  town  !  (Animals  turn 
away  incredulously.  The  Horse  brays  like  a  donkey  in  derision. 
The  Cat  puts  a  paw  over  her  mouth  to  hide  a  smile.)  I  could,  I 
tell  you.  (To  the  Cat.)  Haven't  I  the  entree  to  the  best 
homes  ? 


(Nods.) 


Oh,  meow 


GAT 


HORSE 


And  to  the  best  stables  !     (Stamps.) 

MONKEY 

(Crossly.) 

While  I  have  to  stay  out  in  a  garden  ! 


"  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 


FLY 

Well,  then  !  At  this  moment  I  have  six  million,  six  hundred 
thousand  germs  on  my  feet.  (Raises  his  right  front  foot.)  Here's 
my  diphtheria  ! 

HORSE 
Oh,  horrible  !     (Stamps.) 

(The  Dog  starts,  and  stares  at  the  Fly.) 

FLY 

(Holds  up  first  left  foot.) 
And  here's  typhoid  ! 

RABBIT 
Er  —  ah  ! 

DOG 
Typhoid,  too  ! 

FLY 

I'm  the  best  little  carrier  of  typhoid  the  world  has  ever  seen. 

DOG 

(Grimly.) 

Go  on  !    Go  on  ! 

FLY 
(  Holds  up  second  right  foot.) 

Here  I  keep  scarlet  fever.  (Holds  up  second  left  foot.)  And 
here's  small-pox  !  (Holds  up  third  right  foot.)  And  here's  the 
white  plague. 

MONKEY 
(Falls  back,  frightened.) 

Ee  —  ee  —  ee  ! 

FLY 

Now,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  here  I  am,  germed  to  the  feet  ! 
How  shall  that  Doctor  die  ? 


24 "  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 

DOG 

(Significantly.) 

So,  Mr.  Fly,  you  carry  ALL  the  diseases  ? 

FLY 

(Proudly.) 

I  carry  them  all !  All !  Even  infantile  paralysis  !  (Laughs.) 
And  let  me  tell  you  a  little  joke  !  They'll  never  get  rid  of 
disease  as  long  as  I'M  alive.  Buzz-z-z-z-z-z-z  !  Buzz-z-z-z-z-z  I 
Buzz-z-z  ! 

DOG 
Friends,  we've  been  blaming  the  wrong  person  ! 

ALL 
What?    You  mean  —  ?    Tell  us  ! 

DOG 
It's  not  the  Doctor.    This  Fly  is  our  REAL  enemy  ! 

ALL 
Enemy  !    The  Fly  !    (They  fall  away  from  the  Fly.) 

FLY 
(To  the  Dog.) 

How  can  you  turn  on  me  like  that?  I've  tickled  your  nose. 
I've  kept  you  awake.  But  — 

DOG 

Silence  !  (To  the  others.)  If  this  Fly  didn't  carry  disease, 
there  wouldn't  be  sickness.  If  there  wasn't  sickness,  the 
Doctor  wouldn't  have  to  experiment  on  us. 

(The    Horse  snorts,   the    Monkey  chatters,    the  Cat 

spits,  the  Rabbit  moves  her  ears.) 


"  SWAT  THE  FLY  ! " 25 

FLY 

Oh,  you  ungrateful  beasts  ! 

DOG 

You  bug  !  You  ungrateful  bug  !  If  there's  a  warm  corner  in 
the  house,  you  have  it;  if  there's  a  sweet  cake  in  the  cupboard, 
you  eat  it.  And  for  all  the  hospitality  that's  shown  you,  what 
do  you  do  ?  You  carry  filth  !  You  carry  death  !  You  even 
murder  little  babies  ! 

FLY 
And  what  do  YOU  do  ?    You  sit  in  the  laps  of  women  ! 

DOG 

I  may  sit  in  the  laps  of  women,  but  I  don't  put  my  feet  in  their 
food! 

GAT 
Good  for  you,  Dog  !    (The  other  animals  show  approval.) 

FLY 
(To  the  Cat.) 

You  little  sneak.    What  have  I  ever  done  to  you  ? 

GAT 
Your  relatives  fall  into  my  milk  ! 

MONKEY 

(To  the  Fly.) 

So  YOU  carry  the  white  plague  ?  Ee-ee-ee  !  (Points  a  long 
finger  at  the  Fly.) 

HORSE 

And  every  time  you  give  somebody  diphtheria,  the  Doctor  runs 
a  needle  into  me.  (Stamps  his  feet.) 


26 "  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 

DOG 
Friends,  I  have  a  plan. 

ALL 

What  is  it?    Go  ahead  !    Yes  !    Hear  !    Hear  ! 

DOG 
It's  this:     (Darkly.)     Swat  the  Fly  ! 

FLY 

Oh,  Dog  !    No  !    No  ! 

DOG 

Swat  him  !    He's  worse  than  a  rattlesnake  ! 

FLY 
Oh,  but  you  wouldn't !    I'm  little  !    So  little  ! 

DOG 

It's  only  BECAUSE  you're  little  that  you've  lived  so  long  ! 
(To  the  others.)    We'll  swat  him  !    We'll  swat  him  ! 

FLY 

Buzz-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z  !  (He  moves  his  wings;  his 

eyes  glow  red.    As  he  attempts  to  back  away  the  animals  form  in  a 
half  circle  and  block  his  retreat.) 

ALL 
Yes,  swat  him  !    Swat  him  !    Swat  him  ! 

FLY 
Oh,  wait,  wait !    Oh,  ladies  and  gentlemen  ! 

ALL 
Swat  the  Fly  !    Swat  the  Fly  ! 


"  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 27 

FLY 

(Holds  up  his  third  left  foot.) 

Look  out !    On  this  foot  I  carry  a  disease  that's  death  to 
animals  ! 

RABBIT 

Oh  !    Oh  !     (Hops  aside  and  covers  her  eyes  with  her  forepaws. 
Her  ears  tremble.) 

MONKEY 

(Retreats  in  the  opposite  direction  and  cowers  in  fear.) 
Oh!    Oh! 

DOG 
Come  on,  Kitten  ! 

GAT 
Swat  him  !    Swat  him  ! 

HORSE 
Swat  him  !     (Rears  excitedly.) 

FLY 

Buzz-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z  !  Buzz-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z  !  Buzz-z-z-z-z-z-z  I 
(There  is  a  struggle.  The  Dog  growls;  the  Cat  spits. 
Suddenly  the  Dog  and  the  Cat  separate.  The  Fly 
is  lying  on  his  back,  dead.  The  Cat  and  the  Dog 
come  down  to  the  kennel.  The  Rabbit  uncovers  her 
eyes.  The  Monkey  regains  his  brave  air.) 

HORSE 
Well,  good-bye  to  one  little  germ  carrier  ! 

DOG 
And  a  thousand  little  flies  are  fatherless. 


28 "  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 

GAT 

(Smoothes  her  fur.) 

Why,  that  Doctor  brought  me  home  when  I  was  starving  in  the 
street !    Purr-r-r  !    Purr-r-r  ! 

RABBIT 

And  he  took  ME  away  from  a  bad  little  boy  !     ( Hops  to  the 
hutch.) 

MONKEY 

And  after  all,  he's  a  relative  of  mine.    And — blood  is  thicker 
than  water  !    (He  strolls  toward  the  laboratory  door.) 

DOG 

My  friend,  suppose,  after  this,  that  instead  of  fighting  the 
Doctor,  we  fight  the  flies  ! 

ALL 

Good  !    Yes  !    Hoorah  !    We'll    swat  the  flies  ! 

DOG 

(Goes  to  kennel.) 
Now,  where's  that  fine  big  bone  ?     (Growls  gently;  settles  down.) 

MONKEY 

( Yawns.) 

Everybody  ready  for  bed? 

(Chorus   of  sleepy  growls,    meows,   whinnies,    and 

squeaks.      The  Monkey  puts  a  paw   on   the  push 

button,  and  the  lights  go  out.) 

(As  the  garden  goes  dark  there  is  the  sound  of  someone 

running.) 


"  SWAT  THE  FLY  !  " 29 

INSPECTOR 

(Calling  from  the  street.) 

Doctor  I    Help  !    Oh,  Doctor  !    (She  rushes  through  the  door.) 
Doctor,  oh,  Doctor,  where  are  you  ?    Oh,  Doctor,  help  1 

(The  Doctor  throws  open  the  door  of  the  laboratory, 
enters,  and  presses  the  electric  button.  The  Inspector 
is  standing  beside  the  bench,  the  Boy  in  her  arms. 
She  wears  no  hat  or  coat.  Beside  her,  on  the  lawn, 
is  a  cat,  wearing  a  gay  collar,  to  which  is  fastened  a 
tiny  bell.  A  dog  comes  from  the  kennel,  a  horse 
looks  through  the  square  opening,  and  a  monkey 
appears  out  of  the  monkey-house.) 
(The  Doctor  is  in  his  shirt-sleeves.  He  comes  down.) 

INSPECTOR 
My  boy  !    My  boy's  dying  !    He  can't  breathe  ! 

DOCTOR 

Here  !    (Takes  the  Boy  in  his  arms,  lays  him  upon  the  bench,  and 
leans  down  to  him.) 

INSPECTOR 

Oh,  save  him  !    Save  him  !    Oh,  I  can't  lose  my  boy  !    What 
can  you  do  ? 

DOCTOR 
Diphtheria  !    Wait !    (Takes  the  case  out  of  his  pocket.) 

INSPECTOR 
Oh,  not  that,  Doctor  !    No  !    No  ! 

DOCTOR 

(Brushes  the  Inspector  aside.) 
Let  me  alone  !    It's  the  only  thing  ! 

(The  Doctor  administers  the  serum  to  the  Boy.) 


30 "SWAT  THE  FLY!" 

INSPECTOR 

(Covers  her  face;  drops  to  her  knees  in  front  of  the 
Doctor,  her  back  toward  him.) 

Oh,  I  don't  care  WHAT  you  do — if  you'll  only  save  him  ! 

DOCTOR 

Here  !     Look  !     (The  Inspector  turns.)     Oh,  it's  wonderful ! 
See  !    Already  ! 

INSPECTOR 
Oh,  my  son  !    My  little  son  ! 

DOCTOR 
Relieved  !    (Straightens  up.)    But  it  was  a  close  shave  ! 

INSPECTOR 
Doctor,  will  you  forgive  me? 

DOCTOR 

Come  !    Get  him  into  his  bed.    (Lifts  the  Boy  in  his  arms  and 
gives  him  to  the  Inspector.) 

INSPECTOR 
Oh,  I  was  wrong  !     I  was  wrong  ! 

DOCTOR 

No,  you're  right.     Vivisection  IS  cruel.    But  disease  is  cruel — 
and,  oh,  how  cruel  is  death  ! 

INSPECTOR 
Oh,  I'm  ashamed  !    Here  I  was,  spying  on  you,  fighting  — 


"SWAT  THte  FLir;     ;;f         31 

DOCTOR 

I'm  willing  to  be  watched.  But  if  you  trust  us  doctors  with 
the  lives  of  your  children,  can't  you  trust  us  with  the  lives  of 
cats  and  dogs? 

INSPECTOR 

Oh,  yes  !  Yes  !  (Starts  to  go;  turns.)  Oh,  how  can  I  ever  thank 
you  !  You've  saved  my  boy  ! 

DOCTOR 

Don't  thank  me.    Thank  your  brother,  the  horse  ! 

(The  Inspector  goes  out,  murmuring  to  the  Boy.) 
Well,  old  fellow  !    ( The  Doctor  pats  the  horse,  and  gives  him  sugar.) 
You  saved  him.    And  I  WISH  you  could  know  it !    (Stoops  to 
stroke  the  cat.)    Ah  !    Here's  a  dead  fly  !     (Picks  up  a  fly  from 
the  floor.) 


NOVELS  BY  ELEANOR  GATES 

THE  POOR  LITTLE  RICH  GIRL.     50  cents,  net. 
THE  BIOGRAPHY  OF  A  PRAIRIE  GIRL.    50  cents, 

net. 

THE  PLOW-WOMAN.    50  cents,  net. 
CUPID,  THE  COW-PUNCH.    50  cents,  net. 
THE  JUSTICE  OF  GIDEON.    (Short  stories).    $1.20 

net. 


PLAYS  BY  ELEANOR  GATES 

In  preparation  : 
THE  WAITING  SOUL  (one  act).    A  drama  of 

the  "twilight  sleep." 

WE  ARE  SEVEN  (three  acts),  stage  version. 
THE  POOR  LITTLE  RICH  GIRL   (three  acts), 
stage  version. 


Also  in  preparation,  a  novel 

WATCH-MATES 
A  romance  of  the  China  Sea. 

By  FREDERICK  MOORE 
Author  of  "THE  DEVIL'S  ADMIRAL,"  etc. 


THE  ARROW  PURLISHING  COMPANY 

116  WEST  FIFTY-NINTH  STREET 
NEW  YORK 


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